Manifest Your Life: You Can't Rush Right Timing

Mel: Annie, do you feel fancy when we go to record these and it says five, four, three, two, one, like we're gonna really do something important? And then we start talking, and then we think, god, that's all the fanciness that there was. All right, hello, I am Mel.

Anne: A little bit. And then the fanciness goes away. I'm just kidding. I am Anne.

Mel: And this is—

Anne: Coffee, Tea, and Consciousness.

Mel: Ooh, it does sound fancy even if we aren't actually fancy. Okay, Annie, what are we gonna talk about today? Welcome, and thanks for joining us if you're listening.

Anne: Yeah, thank you. Well, we were talking about — I think it's been coming up quite a bit — about how once space is created, things can come in. One of the examples is a friend of ours who really wants to find his person. Mel would read into his energy, and it was usually, "Nope, I don't see that." And then this last time, you saw it. Talking to him, he said, "I think I finally accepted that I wasn't gonna have a person." I think in that acceptance, he created room so a person could come in. Because when you want something so bad and you realize you don't have it and you cling on to wanting it, that shrinks the possibilities, doesn't it? If you can let go of a thing, it can help bring it in. It's like always recognizing, "I still don't have it, I still don't have it."

Mel: Yeah. And I've got a lot of feelings about this — not as strong as they used to be — because we started off with this "manifest your reality" thing. That was the beginning of our awakening. When people would say that to me — because I could manifest things pretty good, but I couldn't manifest cash. I'd manifest a little bit here and there, but I couldn't. When someone said that to me, I wanted to stab you in the face. It felt like I was being blamed. I felt shame. I couldn't understand it from my own perspective, because I never felt worry about money. Never. I mean, I'd have bouts of worry — not that I was never worried — but I wasn't afraid. I wasn't anything. But I did feel guilt when I spent money.

Mel: What's super interesting is it's hard for me to separate the "manifest your life" stuff from this new way of looking at it, because there is some of that. It was so bad that every time I bought something, my husband Jimmy would get a text, and he'd text me and say, "Hey, did you just spend money on something?" It was like, God, guilt was being brought up for me all the time. There is a thing about attracting — we're attracting our lives all the time. And when we would say this to our friend, God, he hated — not hated us — but it is so hard to hear.

Mel: They never showed me that he didn't have a person, but they never showed me that he did either. So maybe that person was always there and I just couldn't see it. I don't want to say something I don't see or feel, and I never felt them there — until this last one, where I was like, "I've got another set of feet here." That person's feet have a toe ring, cute little feet. What does that mean? I don't know. But it is interesting how that does work.

Mel: I also don't want to be a part of the blaming — like, "well, if you don't have it, then it's your fault, you're not doing it right." I don't know that I believe that either. It's just — when you're in the middle of it, it is so hard not to be in the fucking middle of it, in some way, shape, or form.

Anne: Well, I don't know — I mean, I know it does feel like blaming. I'll say stuff to my husband and he's like, "So it's all my fault?" He gets very defensive. And I'm like, but it's — everything is energy, so — it's a whole thing. But we came into it with "the secret" — all about manifesting and being positive, blah, blah, blah. But if you have barriers — you didn't think you had a money thing, but you had a guilt thing associated with the money. And you've worked through that, because now Jimmy never brings up spending, for the most part.

Mel: Right. I mean, he used to get a text whenever I'd spend a nickel. Now, if he does think it, he doesn't say it — he used to say, "I'm not asking, I just want to make sure no one hacked our account." Come on. We all know what's going down here. From an energetic standpoint, I knew it was something in him, something in me too. I really didn't know what it was, because I wasn't worried. I didn't have what I'd think of as a traditional negative connotation about it. I remember a friend saying, "There must be something in there." And I remember thinking, "Fuck off, I know how I feel. There ain't shit in here about that." I don't know what you're — but I do know how triggering it can be, and how much I wanna stab people in the face. I don't stab you now, because I remember how that felt, and it felt like: listen, motherfuckers, I'm doing everything I can.

Anne: Well, I found for myself — because my mind likes to play tricks on me sometimes — what I've been finding is that I like to sit outside and talk about the things rolling around in my head. The more I talk about it, the more I get clarity, and it's like, "Holy fuck, that's from this," and it clicks and you can see it. For me, it used to feel like if I talked about it, I was really gonna screw myself — like, "Oh my god, I don't really want to admit it." It was funny.

Mel: Me too. I remember going through that phase too.

Anne: Recently, there's the persona that's out in the world and then the interior persona. I would try to lie to myself — that was a big thing. When I finally realized some of the lies I was telling myself and I was ready to admit them, it felt like such a breath of fresh air, because things would pop up and I'd be like, "Nope, I'm pushing that down." So I guess moving from "I have to always feel upbeat, assume the best," all that — it didn't stop the thoughts in my head. So I had to talk them out, so they're finally out of my head and out here. It gives them room to move, I guess is what it is.

Mel: Yeah. I remember — we used to own a pizza shop, and one day I'll share how I manifested it, on purpose, intentional. The guy paid me five grand to take over the shop. For the first couple of years it was super exciting — I loved it so much. Anyway, I remember standing in the pizza shop, right as I was coming to terms with feelings I didn't know I had. Jimmy and I — I'm a feelings person, Jimmy's analytical — so we decided to bridge the gap by listening together to Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart. He had one earbud in, I had the other. We're at the pizza shop on a Saturday, making dough balls, and they're talking about the difference between jealousy and envy. I remember thinking, "I think I have envy." I didn't know how to put it into words. But Spirit is so thoughtful — on that very day, this guy who used to deliver pizzas for us came in and told me he was taking time off. He and his wife go on a cruise every year — fly to Europe, then cruise back.

Mel: It just so happened that, because of the pizza shop, we'd had to cancel a cruise we'd been planning for a while with our whole family — my sister's family too. I had to tell her we couldn't do it. I wanted to lie to myself, thinking, "We'll get to do it another time." Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't, but at the time I could see the lie I was telling myself to feel better about canceling. We'd put money down, my sister would lose money too if they canceled — it was a whole thing. I had to tell my adult kids we weren't going. It was really hard. But we couldn't leave the shop. It just wasn't going to happen.

Mel: So this Saturday, Rick comes in and tells me all about his cruise, right after I'd had this recollection of "I think I have envy." All of a sudden, envy washed over me — like when you gotta go potty and you can't, and heat starts rising in you. I get that sometimes walking the dog, or when I used to run. I knew what it was. I had envy — not jealousy. I was glad he got to do it, but I was full-on envious. He left, and I started to sob. Jimmy's like, "Why are you crying?" I was sobbing for the disappointment, for the idea we might never be able to do this. We have five kids and a bunch of grandkids — we were taking all of them. It was a whole thing. I had so much envy.

Anne: So how do you feel?

Mel: Spirit's gonna keep giving you that, if you're ready. Yesterday, when I was doing a reading, they talked about right timing. The person asked me about patience, and I thought, "Spirit, give it to me in a way that Mel wouldn't think of it, so I know Mel's not deciding what it is." They started talking about right timing, and trusting in right timing. It wasn't about patience — as a matter of fact, I got goosebumps just talking about it. It isn't about patience, it's about trusting in right timing.

Anne: Well, things have to come into alignment too.

Mel: They gotta come — there's a lot of things in play in the human world for something to happen, magically or synchronistically, but it's right timing. My sister — they're still gonna go on the cruise, and I'm envious. Lord give me grace. I didn't feel it as much as the first time. And by the time my friend said, two weeks later, "Mel, we're gonna go on a cruise, will you watch our dogs?" — it was still there, but it wasn't like before. It was like, "Hi, Spirit, I see you giving me envy, and I'm okay." And then, to your honesty point, I had to say to myself: I might never be able to do this thing. It might never work out. And I'm gonna cry — because it's a desire of my heart. But there's a lot of people involved, right? Five kids and all their kids — it's a lot of money. It might not happen, and I had to grieve that. But it doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It doesn't mean you're bad. It doesn't even mean you're not spiritually aligned. Maybe right timing is going to come for that, because it's still a desire of my heart.

Anne: All right.

Mel: And maybe it doesn't. Either way, I can trust right timing, so that if and when it does happen, it's gonna be glorious. We're probably gonna see spectacular things out on the water — whenever it happens, it'll be just right. But it is motherfucking hard to do that in the moment.

Anne: Well, and sometimes we desire things, but they aren't ever going to come, because we didn't put it out there — it might come in a different way. There's something else I was going to say — we all come in with a plan.

Mel: Might never come. You want to talk about our blueprint?

Anne: We have a higher self, and we come in with a plan of what we want to accomplish, or learn, or feel. Sometimes it isn't what you'd necessarily want to experience, I guess.

Mel: Experience, yeah. No — we've been shown that souls who come in with a purpose come in with a blueprint. There's always variation — you can take it this way or that way. It's not like you only get to go one way. It's just a blueprint — maybe that wall's bigger, maybe that room's smaller, maybe you don't even have a garage. I don't know. But it's a possibility.

Anne: Well, the thing is, some things don't matter. I'll get on the rods sometimes and ask a question, thinking it matters, and the rods will do this swing thing, and it's like — that thing isn't going to change anything whether you do it or not. Not everything in our life is a deciding factor —

Mel: Right, we're going —

Anne: — of where we're going to end up, of what we put out there. Like, should I turn right or should I turn left? It doesn't really matter — either way, you'll still get where you want to go.

Mel: Either way it's gonna get you to where you want to go. I know —

Anne: But then there are things where it does matter.

Mel: It does matter. And I do think — as hard as I've had to acknowledge those feelings, because growing up, you shouldn't be envious of your neighbor. We grew up Christian, so envy and jealousy were core sins, a big deal. So to feel it and acknowledge it was really hard for me to do. And I will tell you, once I did it, it doesn't mean magic happens and everything turns around. Maybe for some people it does — that's not how it worked for me. We still haven't been on that cruise with our whole family. Period. We did go on a cruise together, and it was very fun — that was before the family-cruise plan, because I didn't know how much I'd love it. I would live on a cruise ship, I don't care what anybody says.

Anne: Mm-hmm. It's the best, because you never have to cook. Everything's taken care of. It's really good.

Mel: Oh my god, it was so great. And one of the reasons I loved it — the Blue Iguana, my favorite place to eat on that cruise. Remember that little Mexican place?

Anne: I don't know that we went. Did we go?

Mel: Yes! I went almost every day — breakfast there almost every single day. If other people wanted to go somewhere else, that was fine — you didn't have to all decide on one place for dinner. I got to go to the Blue Iguana. I love that place. We were going to do an excursion, and I was sad I'd miss it — then I found out they were closed that day anyway.

Anne: Mm-hmm.

Mel: Because of the excursion — or I would have stayed. Anyway. So there is a thing about letting it go. Right timing. Right timing can be tricky.

Anne: Well, sometimes — okay, this is what it was. Mel and I were doing YouTube videos, and she'd get in and see all the things and feel all the feelings, and I would either — the rods would say yes, no, maybe, you're close, whatever. It started great, but then it got boring for me, because it was always yes, and I thought, well, fuck, I'm not needed here anymore. And then my husband quit his job for nine months.

Mel: Yeah, that's not it —

Anne: We worked on a bunch of stuff. I was super — I didn't understand it. When I first got the rods, I asked, "Are we gonna do this thing?" and we kept getting three to five years. I was like, "I'm ready to be done now, because it's boring." But then Tony quit his job, which sped up the timeline, from my understanding, because this last year has been a lot of growing.

Mel: Right. But it also stopped us — we were really looking forward to doing this together, and then Annie was like, "I'm not doing it now, I don't want to anymore." It was hard — I kept getting that Annie and I were gonna break up. We've been friends for 25 years, we've never broken up, not once. And it was like, we're gonna break up. I told her, "Hey, I keep getting that we might break up one day." And she said, "Yeah, well, just so you know — me too." Separately, independently of each other, we were both getting that we were going to break up. But I kept thinking — I'd seen us, over and over, working together, talking about these spiritual awarenesses we'd been getting. And so had Annie. I got goosebumps all over, but it wasn't right timing — we were both excited to do it.

Anne: Right. I got the goosebumps too.

Mel: There were times I was pushing harder, or she was pushing, because life was getting in the way, and it just wasn't working out. Not to say — well, it wasn't about having a bunch of followers, it was just her and I doing this thing together. Now we are, and it is right time. Can't you feel it?

Anne: Yeah, it's been a big shift. I actually went through where we weren't talking. We used to talk every day. And it just wasn't there.

Mel: We didn't talk for months.

Anne: And then all of a sudden — here we are.

Mel: Yeah, it was bizarre. But we both did wonder —

Anne: It was super weird, and I'd get stuff on the cards like I had to let a piece of that go, whatever it was. I think we both had to shift in a certain way. It wasn't like we were angry — it wasn't, "We're ending our friendship because of X, Y, and Z." It was just — I don't know, weird, because we'd never been in that spot before, I guess.

Mel: Yeah. And it just shows right timing. It isn't about patience, and yet you have to trust in right timing. But I want to take it further and talk about not judging yourself. I really struggled, because I felt like — hey, I can manifest the shit out of some stuff, and it's been incredible. But some stuff I just couldn't do, or it wasn't coming out right, and I'd feel bad, because the "manifest your life" community is like, "Well, that's on you, you must have something in there." That whole shame-blame game bothers me.

Anne: Well, and sometimes the thing you think isn't great actually leads to something really great. Like, our friendship had to go through whatever that was to get to this place, because you're the voice — you've always been the voice. I'm gaining a voice. It feels more even.

Mel: Yeah, I agree. It's funny — I was doing a meditation, maybe before one of the first times we were going to give this a try. If you've watched any of the other ones, I love to yammer, I'll say all the things. But I remember asking Spirit, "Is there something in here I can know?" And it was like, "Take a backseat." I thought — have we met? Take a backseat to what, motherfucker? I thought I came here to be the light and say all the things. But it felt right — let Annie lead the way. There's some stuff on here I would do differently — retakes because we sound echoey, or we say the same thing seventy-five times, and I'll think, "God, this is terrible." Not terrible — it's just like when Annie and I are on the phone, this could go on for hours. We have to cut ourselves off because it's annoying — I'm afraid it'll be annoying to listen to us yammer for 24 hours.

Mel: Side note — my granddaughter and her friend have been trying to break the Guinness World Record for longest phone call. They were on the phone for days, phones never turning off, even while sleeping. Then they found out you have to submit an application before you even get on the phone — so it wasn't official, but whatever. Right timing wasn't there for them. I feel like Annie and I could be on the phone for 24, 30 hours without an issue. But I digress — back to the conversation. So I did a reading the other day.

Anne: Mm-hmm.

Mel: This particular person — something's going on with her job, I wasn't surprised to hear it was going away. And it's like, you're not — because you aren't letting it go. Again, no judgment, she's human, she has to pay bills, you can't just walk away from your job. They used to tell me that with the pizza shop — "Turn around and walk away." Fuck off, turn around and walk away — you know what, eventually I did. And you know what happened for a really long time? I was getting process servers at my door telling me how much money I owed.

Anne: Mm-hmm.

Mel: So, "just turn around and walk away" is not as easy as it sounds. It's hard as a human just to walk away. But this job —

Anne: Yeah, because your mind wants to take it to all the negatives of the possibility of walking away.

Mel: Because all the negatives actually came. Bills still need to be paid — you can't tell your mortgage company, "I just had a spiritual awakening, I don't have to work right now, Spirit said I should walk away from my job that's killing me." I mean, they really need a better plan — I'd say Spirit needs to get a better plan to help us navigate this moving-forward process as it relates to paying the bills too.

Anne: Yeah, like getting a letter that says you get three months off your mortgage, or your rent — yeah, it's all paid for.

Mel: Paid, right. Like — you say, "I'm ready to follow my spiritual purpose," and then Spirit sends you a check.

Anne: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mel: More than one. I'd like a checkbook with a lot of available balance in there. So it is hard as the human, and when it gets taken away, like it feels like it is for this person — I'm tapped in, and Spirit's telling me, "You chose to do this, and trust that you're gonna be okay." It doesn't mean life isn't gonna fall apart — that's not what they're saying, I promise. They're saying the chain on one side of your swing is gonna come unkinked, and you're gonna be lopsided, and now you gotta find a habit, something inexpensive to do, because otherwise you'd just sit around and worry. This person asked the question others have asked: "What do I do in the meantime?" You know what Spirit said?

Anne: Mm-hmm.

Mel: Rest. Rest until you get so rested you think you're rested, but you're not — you don't even know what rested feels like. You're gonna keep resting. I don't know how long that's gonna take — maybe a minute, and by minute I mean a lot of day-minutes, week-minutes, maybe month-minutes. But it is a tricky thing.

Anne: Well, Tony was nine months.

Mel: Right, Tony was nine months. Get Jimmy off work for nine months, he'd have a panic attack — that's not his purpose, he is stability, that man — nope.

Anne: Well, Tony would tell me every day everything he'd accomplished — "I mowed, I weed-whipped, I did this and that." And I said, my god, isn't it ridiculous you have to justify being alive? What you accomplished isn't what makes you worthy — that's his self-worth, tied to doing these things.

Mel: Yeah. Because it's hard.

Anne: So it was — I'm like, Jesus Christ, take a page from my book, I'm great at doing fucking nothing. I'm good, every day.

Mel: Mine was different. It's hard not to —

Anne: I'm good.

Mel: — it's so nice to have a friend who's so able to just be. For me, oh my god, I can go through stints of it, but not like — the other day I thought, "Is this gonna be my life forever? What am I gonna do if I do nothing?" I don't know what to do. Like, do nothing — what does that even mean?

Anne: Well, my big thing was — I found my worth in doing stuff for my kids and for Tony, making their lives easier. I wouldn't have them do chores, because for one, it's a pain to teach them, easier to just do it myself — but also, I felt like it was my self-worth to do all those things. This last year, I've stopped doing a lot of that stuff. I don't really give a shit if there's dinner — you're all capable of making food. I've let cleaning go too, which was a big thing — I learned the house needed to always be clean, and it was, spotless, no mess. Tony brought someone home from work once, and I apologized that the house was a mess, and the guy said, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Exactly. I've let a lot of that go. Buying this house has really helped, because it's old and it's never going to be perfect, but I love it — it's so refreshing not to feel like I have to keep it up. There's a guy across the street who had his weedy yard ripped up and sod put down, and I thought, does he even realize the amount of work he's just created for himself? I love the fucking weeds. Who would have thought.

Mel: Who would have thought that was Annie — that wasn't Annie before. That's so cool. I agree — but for me, it's been tied up, and it's hard. The other day I thought I should do something, and then I thought, "Why do you think you should do that?" And I thought, "So I have something I could say I did today." Every day, I still recognize that. I told Jimmy not long ago — I'm not getting out of bed until I'm ready. And even once I get up, I still need to do my meditation, my spiritual practice, maybe journal — it might take until noon. Fuck yes, until noon. And I'm not doing anything until I'm done, because then when I leave here, I'm capable of being present and aware of my own intent and motivations, instead of running on fumes or autopilot.

Anne: Well, I think I do the same thing, because there's still that tinge of, "Tony's going to work, he's the one making the money, are you really not going to run the vacuum in hopes he grabs it when he gets home?" There's still a part of me that feels guilty if I don't do some of these things, so I have to question it. I feel like I'm getting better — and luckily he doesn't really care, he's kind of a slob, so it works out.

Mel: Jimmy actually says to me now that I'm home all the time and I make dinner, "Thanks for making dinner." And I say, "Thank you," because it's true — I was gone a lot, and I didn't make dinner. Lord give me grace. If you wanted dinner, you came to the pizza shop. Even for my kids — you want to see me, come to the pizza shop. My friends — same. I was there sixteen hours a day, come home and cry from pain, go to bed. I used to joke that the entire reason anything ran was because of Adderall and Advil. I have pretty bad ADHD — if I didn't have either of those, we'd all be fucked, there was no way. But I didn't realize I was running on fumes. I really thought I loved it — and even now, looking back, I did.

Anne: Yeah, but you also learned in childhood — don't be sleeping, you've got to get up and start doing chores.

Mel: That's right — you gotta get your ass up. I'd get up at three in the morning and say, "All right, I gotta go to the pizza shop." Jimmy would say, "Right now?" We'd work all night — power-bake pizzas, bring them to farmers markets. I'd be up from Thursday morning until Saturday afternoon or evening. If the shop was busy, I wouldn't get to sleep until 10, 11 on Saturday night. I'm 50-something — come on. It didn't feel horrible, though — that's the other part of my point. Sometimes it's hidden, right? I had hidden envy, but I also had these hidden "go, go, go" feelings I didn't know were there.

Anne: Can you say burnout?

Mel: From human conditioning, from my own need to be seen as worthy. I'm gonna cry — I did not know so much of that was just me trying to show the world I was good, that I was important. By breaking myself, by not being there, missing so much of my kids, my grandkids — I didn't know at the time. And now that I know, you can't go back — but I do have sadness for that Mel who felt she had to do that for people to like her, or to think she was good. That's the word that keeps coming up — to look like I was good.

Anne: Yeah.

Mel: It makes me so sad for her. Makes me sad for all of us. Annie and I — I'll speak for both of us — are fortunate. Our husbands do work, they provide a living, a nice life. We do have a nice life, and it is different. Our friend Jess will say, "You don't even know — I'm on my own, it's up to me. I don't have anyone to fall back on, to take care of me if I have my own spiritual breakdown" — instead of a nervous breakdown, a spiritual breakdown, where you're in bed for days and can't get up. "Mel, I don't get to have my spirit days all day, every day, until I feel ready to face the world" — that's not real for a lot of people. So in that regard, we are fortunate. And also — Spirit's coming for you, motherfuckers. So could we get an easier ride? Can you show me how to lessen it instead of drop it? I didn't know how to lessen it — I just didn't know how to get out of it.

Anne: Well, and sometimes Spirit helps you lessen it.

Mel: Right. These last couple of readings I've done — people losing their jobs, "now what am I gonna do, how do I take care of myself" — it does take a lot. I wish Spirit had built in a spiritual breakdown with a paycheck. Like, "You're checking into your spiritual breakdown now, it might be a year, you gotta support me," because it isn't —

Anne: But I find, like with Tony — when he left his job, somehow you do find it. Your brain can't picture how you're gonna find it, but somehow things work out for the most part. At the time it might not feel like it, but it seems like things are on your course — I don't know, maybe not for everybody, but that used to drive me crazy in readings, when they'd say, "Yes, and — not everyone," blah blah blah, and I'm like, all right, I get it, can we just stop saying that?

Mel: Well because —

Mel: Yeah, Spirit would always say it's never, never, never, always — it isn't that way all the time. Annie would be like, "Yeah, we already know that, you don't have to say it every time." I mean, they just keep saying it over and over. I can get out of my own loop more frequently now.

Anne: Yeah, because I'd ask a question and it would start, and I'm like, all right, we know it's not always, there's variables, let's move past that.

Mel: Because — imagine this, I think about it all the time. I know some people who don't want anything, they don't have aspirations. And I think, are you sure you don't have aspirations? Maybe they're in there, you just don't know. And then I'm reminded — there are people here whose aspiration is to get up, go to work, come home, watch TV. We've seen that before.

Anne: Well, I actually did a TikTok about this with a friend — sometimes there are people here who didn't come here to evolve. It's for them to show us so that we do.

Mel: Did not come here to evolve. Yes — and there are those of us who came here to show all the possibilities of manifestation, to show what's possible. There are those on both sides of the spectrum — never, never, never, always. And it is true that for some people, it isn't meant to be about recognizing who I am and where I come from — it's about recognizing, "She's average, what do you need to strive for? Get a bag of chips, grab a show." Literally, chip dust on the sofa — what's wrong with that? For some people, that's it.

Anne: Mm-hmm. Well, like one girl — it's just to be average, you don't need to strive.

Mel: And that gave her a lot of pleasure, to put down trying so hard all the time.

Anne: Well, I remember asking, when we were being told stuff from past lives, why I didn't like the way my parents raised me — "you're supposed to do it this way, nine-to-five job," and I never did it like that. Some of my past lives explained it — there was one where I was a business guy with a family, and they said, "You've already done it that way." And there was a life where I was using rocks for everything, and they said, "You've already had the hard life."

Mel: Oh my god, that was terrible. In one of Annie's first lifetimes I saw, she was pounding rocks for everything — it was so horrible, so hard.

Anne: It was like everything had to use rocks. So primitive.

Mel: Oh my god, how exhausting — who wants to make dinner now? Those dinners had to equate to a whole year of making dinner in our lifetime — maybe a lifetime of dinners in one of theirs. It was so hard. And now there's this evolution of us experiencing life in a different way. From our soul standpoint, at least what I've been shown, we're here to experience all the sides of it. So buckle up. I watched this show once at my sister's — I had what I used to call a nervous breakdown, now I call it a spiritual breakdown — spent the summer there doing nothing, pretty bananas. We watched this show about Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. There was a Christian girl on there who said God won't ever give you more than you can handle, and then she laughed and said, "Apparently I can't handle very much." I love that. I called Jimmy and said, "Listen to what I just heard — God must think we can handle a lot, because we've had a lot in our lifetimes." But it's funny — for the people who seem to have it easy, I used to think, "They're probably not digging deep enough." Now I think, no — they're here to show us it could be so fucking easy. They're here to show the way to easy. Isn't that beautiful? And I still have some envy about those bitches — I love it and I hate it.

Anne: Well, I remember my brother saying, "Anne could step in a pile of shit and it would not get on her." And that's so true — I could step in a pile of shit and somehow it'd be fine.

Mel: Yes, and that does seem to be very true for you. You'll notice the shit's there — nothing brings you down. Me, I'd get in shit and be rolling in it, snorting it like it's coke. I don't know what's happening — like I haven't had enough of this, let's snort some more.

Anne: I'm a pig in the mud — give me another pile, please.

Mel: Now I'm gonna eat it for lunch and dinner too. Oh my god, it was terrible. I couldn't seem to — there were times I remember thinking I love rolling in shit. How absurd, looking back — you silly girl. I'm sure there's some still stuck to me I don't even know about, that just hasn't come to my awareness yet. I trust that it will.

Anne: Well, I'll tell you this — my husband's having a health crisis, I guess. I pulled cards on it yesterday — what am I supposed to learn from this, what's he supposed to learn from it? One thing is neither of us likes to ask for help. I had to put out a Facebook post looking for people to see if they could be a match for his kidney. That's big. I don't like asking people for help — that's a hard one.

Mel: But I will say — what was most fascinating was how, when it was time, you called and said, "I'm ready to do it, I'm doing it right now."

Anne: Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah — right timing, again, I really do come back to this, and it's a stinker, especially when you're not in the timing you want. I want to be in "yacht timing" — that's the timing I want to be in.

Mel: Well, I'll say — the day before we had to go to the transplant clinic, a movie came on. I hadn't slept, but I watched this movie about a woman raising money to help a family whose daughter needed a liver. I just clicked on it, didn't know what it was about, but it inspired me — she had no problem asking for help. Let's go ahead and do it. So that's another example of timing.

Mel: Yeah. Right timing — it'll come at the right timing. For me, I spent a lot of time judging myself for not being in the timing I wanted to be in. And, "Okay, bitch, motherfucker, I get it, let's just — now I should be there, magically." In the meantime, I've discovered a few hobbies I've enjoyed — paint by number, and I've enjoyed puzzles too. If right timing isn't lined up with what you're desiring, maybe you need to find a hobby in the meantime.

Anne: Because if you're feeling like you're not in the right timing, you want to push, you want to take control of it. And I keep getting the message: do not push, do not push.

Mel: You do want to push — it is so hard, motherfuckers, do I ever, god. I read every book on surrender over the last fifteen months, while the pizza shop was taking its final dive — surrender, and I am surrendering, motherf— but you can feel like — when I was in labor with Molly, the nurse came in before the doctor and said, "No pushing," and I was pushing, yelling, "No, I'm not!"

Anne: Right, right — she's like, "Bitch, you're pushing," and she just slid out.

Mel: That's it — the head's out. Obviously you're pushing. "Stop pushing." God, I was like, "No, that wasn't me, I swear to god." But it is such a — if any of you out there are like, "I hate right timing so much" — please know I've been there. It is so real. We get it. It's such a tricky little stinker, so challenging. I have a lot of empathy for the two people I gave readings to, whose right timing is here for them to lose what they actually don't want — but what they don't want is paying the bills. I say it all the time — open the doors that need to be opened, make sure they're wide, notice if I'm walking around them, and shut the doors I can't shut myself. I know my heart — but sometimes my heart is so human it wants to do this thing I know I really shouldn't be doing right now. So shut that door for me, and when it shuts, I'm not going to start opening it back up. I'm gonna leave it shut.

Anne: Well, I've been getting stuff like — when you're so much in your head, you're shutting down your heart, severing that connection. I've been getting a lot of that.

Mel: Right. And that's what paint by number has done for me — I just sit, and it's so lovely, I find so much pleasure and enjoyment in it. It gives me something to think about, and it takes it away — because I promise, as hard as it's gonna get, your purpose is coming for you.

Anne: Yeah, your rainbow is coming.

Mel: It is coming. And every one of us — they showed me — every soul that comes into a human body with a purpose has a blueprint and a treasure. Not everyone's treasure is the same — for some, treasure might be relief; for some, contentment; for some, it's different. Treasure doesn't mean a mountain of money, although I really hope that's what it means for me. I've got a yacht, I call her Connie, and I'd like that to be my treasure. Anyway — but treasure is there, and it is coming. It's coming, if you let go.

Anne: Yeah, the hardest part is letting go. It's a struggle to give it the space so you can get out of that looping — the looping. Looping is a real bitch.

Mel: Fuck, it's so hard.

Anne: — get out of that looping —

Mel: That loop, yep.

Anne: — looping is a real bitch. Who was it we'd watch on YouTube all the time? Susan Lynn — she's so funny, if you haven't watched her. She talks about noticing something a few times. I used to say three times; now I say I can notice it in two. I can notice it in two on most things — probably not everything, I'm sure some things are sliding past me that I don't even know I'm not noticing. But I'm not ready to notice, and that's fine — right timing. It is fun, and really terrible, when you notice you're reliving that same pattern that's bringing you not much joy, over and over again.

Anne: Well, that's when I go sit outside and start talking it out, so it can get out. I'm done, I'm looping and I know it. It's been such a relief to finally get to the point where I'm not afraid to say the things that don't sound like the magical manifestation, everything-is-perfect stuff — knowing, for me, that it's okay to say the things and not feel like I'm bringing that right back on myself. Because I know that's part of my process of letting it go — to see it.

Mel: Yeah. For me, it's journaling — not journaling what I want, maybe that works for some people, but for me it's journaling the feelings I think are stuck in there, that keep me wanting a thing. Why do I want that thing all the time — that's the stuff I journal about.

Anne: Right. Well — I've always been a person who, get me in a car, I will talk to myself. Luckily people think I'm on the phone as I'm driving. In reality, I'm having a whole conversation with myself — I'm not crazy. I did that back in the day, then stopped for a while. I'd just kind of swallow everything down that was bothering me. That's curious, actually — I forgot I really did stop having conversations with myself. Well, it's not with myself — it's with guides and everyone around, which I didn't know at the time. So I did think maybe I was a little loony, but now I know.

Mel: Yeah. Sometimes when I'm driving, I'll say, "All right, come on in — who's gonna come in with me? Who's gonna go on this ride?" And it feels like someone just got in the car. If someone saw me talking to myself, I'm literally sitting there talking to someone next to me.

Anne: Mm-hmm — when I'm on my rods, I can see the energy of them all.

Mel: Yeah, I'm talking to them, and I feel like they can give me information back. Sometimes, like today when I was driving, I thought, "You gotta say it in a different way, because that's how Mel would have said it — give it to me in a way Mel wouldn't have thought of."

Anne: Right — there are times I don't hear the voice, I think you hear the voice. I get thoughts that come in, and sometimes I question, is that you or is that me? Because sometimes I'm so in my head, I think, "There's no way that's you, that's gotta be me."

Mel: Right. Today when I was driving, I thought — even if it is you, you sound too much like me, so I don't trust that, you gotta give it to me in a different way. I'll do that in readings too — "Let's put Mel in a box, give it to me in a way I'd have no way of thinking about." Their way is so much more expansive, so I can tell the difference. Sometimes I'll be like, "I don't even know what that word is — Siri, what does this word mean?" We'll be doing readings and I'll say, "Annie, I don't even know what that word is — is that a word?" They're giving me a word I don't even know, and I think, "That's definitely them, not me — Mel doesn't even know what that word means." I find comfort in that.

Mel: I also find comfort in how I was raised — Pentecostal, in the church — my mom would always say, "God is in control," or "God decides." It's always bothered me, this arbitrary sense of God deciding what's best for me — "If it's right for you, God'll make it happen." I always thought, who — I get it, but now I think of it as: Big Mel — that's what I call her sometimes — put this in play for us, and Big Mel isn't messing us around. Big Mel came here to do a thing, and I trust that whatever I got here for, we're gonna go do.

Mel: That brings me some — sometimes even now I think, "God sounds so lazy, like I'm not responsible for myself" — and that's not true, but I also feel like I've done it the fucking hand-clenched way.

Anne: Mm-hmm. Well —

Mel: I've done it the Mel way, and I'm telling you, that shit was ugly.

Anne: But you also, because we're living a human life, you have to get to the point — you've had to move through stuff, you're moving through stuff, and something might come in and feel super easy, and you say, "That was totally them" — but you had to get to the point where that could happen. You had to move through it.

Mel: Well, that's true. Surrender — Pema Chödrön, I've got all her books on my shelf, read them a few times, and when they weren't enough, I would just sob. "God, please help me to surrender" — I obviously don't know how. Sob fest.

Anne: Oh my god, this last year has been nothing but crying. We should really do — we need to do a conversation on —

Mel: But I'm just gonna whisper this to you —

Anne: Our spouses, yeah.

Mel: Yeah, we can do that next. I just want to whisper it, pretend Annie can't hear us — if anyone's listening out there, Annie has been sobbing for years. When Annie lived in Indiana, I remember her sobbing then too. Annie can only remember the last year of sobbing.

Anne: So good. Mm-hmm — because I felt more constant, well, Indiana was hard because Tony was only there for a short amount of time and then he was out.

Mel: Indiana was hard. But yeah, Annie has been going — even though Annie might not have "shit stuck on her" — Annie has had emotional stuff she's been working on letting go of for years, since our — shortly after our awakening, probably two years after, when the fun of manifesting everything started to wear thin. Well, you know, whatever, god.

Anne: Well, we manifested moving, and then we manifested moving again, and again.

Mel: I manifested never moving. Well, not never — but Lord give me grace, I don't really want to move, it sounds like a lot of work. Anyway, all right — that is true. Okay, let's wrap this up, it's been a long time. If you're still with us, Lord give you grace — you must have had a long commute or been washing dishes or something. But —

Anne: It is a lot of work, though it makes you get rid of a lot of stuff.

Mel: Hopefully it was entertaining, and I am Mel — I don't even know what this one was about, but I'm Mel, and we are Coffee, Tea, and Consciousness, with conversations wrapped in — and we'll see you next time.

Anne: Yep, bye.

Mel: Bye.