Playing the Victim

Anne: Hello, coffee, tea and consciousness. I'm Anne.

Mel: And I'm Mel. Thanks for joining us. If you are enjoying listening to the show, feel free to hit the follow button on your wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Anne: Yep. So today we're gonna talk about playing the victim. Mel had an aha moment. And I think to an extent all of us have played a victim, right? We take it upon ourselves to blame others, when it always comes back to us and our energy and all the things. But as a human it feels good to blame it on everyone else too. So come with your story.

Mel: Yep. Yeah. I okay. One of the things I always notice when I'm starting to blame someone like I was on Saturday, I'm on the wrong track. We got a real problem here because I am wanting to blame everybody and everybody for the experiences I was having. And I like to think about always what is the energy that I have and where, you know, what is this one? And so as I was sort of dissecting my own weekend this morning, I realized

Anne: Well, did it start on Friday?

Mel: it started on Friday. Yep. And so it didn't, I wasn't able to really unpack it all until this morning. But on Friday, I had an experience where I was watching our grandkids and my son said, hey mom, can you come or can you drop them off tonight instead of me picking them up? There's something going on with my truck. Now, I know that sounds really normal, but the minute I said yep, I said it like, yep, and I was mad, I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to you know, what are you gonna say? Your truck isn't working. And how do you go about doing that? But for me, when I don't say something that I know I'm supposed to say, I start to get, I call my eye pains. They were diagnosed as cluster headaches, but they're really just Mel stuffing her energy to the point where it would come out in an eye pain. And so I'm thankful for the fact that sometimes I can recognize, like I did on Friday, I got a niggle in my eyebrow or niggle above, like in that bone right above your eye. And I knew, and I knew it. But I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to be, you know, make things harder for him. And I didn't want to act like it was an inconvenience to me. I mean, I am a grandma and I do like my grandkids, and I was glad to watch them. And I also had them all day. And I also didn't want to drive them home because tonight you were supposed to come and get them. We'd already texted about that. So for me, it was I'm getting an opportunity to say something. That might make someone else feel bad. And when it comes to people that you love, I didn't want to. And so I did it. And I felt the niggle and I knew it was coming immediately. I was like, fucker. You did not. You got to do this thing. So I didn't do it. I frustratedly got the kids together. Of course, now somebody's hungry. All the things. Can we get a sandwich for the road? All the ways. Jimmy was like, Can I help you? No. Cause you're just gonna stand there and watch me do it anyway. And I'm not interested in that. So I did say it to him, like, no, I'm not interested in your help. You're not even gonna be helpful. I'm making a sandwich. I mean, I don't know how you're gonna be helpful or I'm making a sandwich. I mean, you pass me the bread or the mayonnaise or whatever. That's not to be a dick, but it was that's how it was. So then on Saturday, I'd promised the grandkids that they could come over on Saturday for a couple hours. For it doesn't there wasn't even a reason. I just had promised them that they could come over for a couple hours on Saturday. So fine. So now I'm gonna bring them home. And the next morning when I woke up, my eye pain hadn't gone full blown, which was really lovely. My husband was going over to their house to help fix up the yard. It's fall, getting some things cleaned out. And it's really hard to do that when you have the kids. And so I said to Alex, our son, If you want to drop them off to me, then I'll go pick them up later. I'll go no, if you drop them off to me, I'll go drop them off to you later. He's like, All right, fine. Well, then turns out things were gonna be later than expected. And he's like, I'll just come get them. Great. So then

Anne: Mm-hmm. So his car is working now.

Mel: so at this point his car was working. So our other son took the car with the car seat in it and went to his friend's house. And so then I get a call from our son Alex, hey, sorry, mom, but my car's acting up again. Can you bring the kids home? And it was full blown. The eye niggle came in like a fucking heart attack. It came in like a full blown eye pain. And again, I didn't say the thing because I didn't want to inconvenience him. But I'm being inconvenienced. And again, none of this matters other than the fact that I had a full blown eye pain. I'm all out of my medicine. I called to get a prescription refill, go to the store. Of course they're closed. Thought they're closed at seven. Turns out they're closed at six. And now I'm gonna have it all night. And now it's just gonna get worse. These things, these cluster headaches could last for days. They used to put me in bed for five days. So now I am, I can't sleep Saturday night. And then Sunday Jimmy went, got up, went and got the medicine. By the time he gets it to me, I'm dying. And now I take the medicine and now it's gonna put me to sleep for a while. And then I feel like I'm hungover. When I have one of these, the after the pain is sort of gone, you just feel really sick. I felt like I was hungover. All this to say on Monday morning, I wake up this morning and I'm like, okay, what is the energy about this? What is the energy I'm having this experience? This is an experience I know. I know I didn't say the thing. So I get that part. Okay. So what but what is the energy behind all of this? And as I'm journaling about it and I'm thinking about it, it comes to me that I'm... The victim.

Anne: Mm. Being like used and abused.

Mel: I sort of like being the victim. Yep. I like being the victim. When you're the victim, people say, I'm so sorry. Gosh, that's really sucks. And then we get to blame someone else because you can't be a victim without someone being blamed and it can't be me. I'm a victim. And so I recognize in this whole thing, I recognize that I enjoyed it when I used to be able to be a victim. But this time the difference was I didn't get to be a victim. No one allowed I allowed myself to Yep. And because

Anne: You allowed it. Yeah, you allowed yourself to be a victim.

Mel: when I was a victim, everyone did stuff for me. Let's feel bad for Mel. We're gonna go and we'll do this thing, or we'll, you know, Jimmy get the house cleaned or whatever. Who the fuck cares? Doesn't even matter. That doesn't matter. I enjoyed being a victim. I know that probably doesn't sound very good. And back beforehand, I would have said, of course I don't want to be a victim. Of course I would never want to be a victim. But it hit me, and the reason it hit me is because a friend texted me and said, Hey, how was your weekend? And I said, my, actually, not super bomb. I had a eye pain. And because my friends now know that I get eye pains when I don't say the things, she's like, do you know why? And I was like, fuck her. Shut up. Like now I've got to own because this is mine. So as much as it sucks that this is what happens to me, it also is super awesome because I know when it happens to me. There's a thing that happens. But I have been, so then I'm looking at my experience this weekend. I'm looking at other experiences. I have, when I've been a victim, I've been a martyr. What a great mom you are. What a good Grammy you are. Aren't you so awesome? You go above and beyond. Well, no, I don't, I don't want to go above and beyond. I mean, I want to do what I do, but I don't want to go above and beyond. I don't want to be a martyr anymore. And so all of this happened, I think, was for me to recognize my own victimness that I've been laying on for all of these years, and I'm sure many multiple different ways, but this is the way that I noticed it today. And I'm thankful for friends that don't let me ride it out anymore. I don't have anyone that said no one in my life said, I'm sorry. No one in my life. Like, no one. They were all like, okay, well. Obviously, you know what that does. So who did you not say this stuff to? It didn't feel good this time to it didn't feel this good. Yeah, because this time I was sort of a victim of myself.

Anne: To be a victim. Because no one's gonna allow you to be a victim anymore.

Mel: No one was gonna allow me, at least not in this way, right? I'm sure again when you recognize a pattern, I'm sure there's other ways that I'm allowing myself to be a victim and in probably enjoying it. But in this way, I don't get to anymore. And the people that love me call me out. They don't let me just... No one, I don't think anyone said, wow, I'm really sorry. That must have sucked. Why would you do that to yourself is sort of the answer I got instead when I said I had a shitty weekend 'cause I had an eye pain. Why would you do that to you? Why won't you say the things? Who did you need to say it to? And so then

Anne: Sometimes the kids though are the hardest ones to say it too.

Mel: it is hard to say it to them.

Anne: Because you want to help them. Because you wanna you wanna make their life easier, I guess, is part of it, right?

Mel: Yeah, I didn't want to make it harder on him, but I've had a habit of that too. Instead of making you accept your own responsibility, I'll just take it. I didn't even say it wasn't even about any I might have still been doing all the driving. I might have still been doing all the things. That is never the point for me. The point is but I still didn't say the words. And I didn't say the words because, what are you gonna do? If your car's not working? How are you gonna come and get them? I don't know. Maybe if I would have said, hey, listen, I the plan was that you're gonna pick them up. So I'm sorry that your car's not working. Can you figure it out? Or what are you gonna how are you gonna figure this out? Because at some point you gotta figure it out.

Anne: Well, my curiosity is the truck seems to be an issue, but how does he get to and from work? How does he do it every other day?

Mel: Well, I'm assuming the car's fine. This for this, it was the energy of me, right? I had an opportunity to say a thing. And the universe is going to coordinate all the things to make sure that you get an opportunity to do the thing you know you need to do even when you don't want to do it. So I'm assuming the truck worked fine because he went to work today. He didn't call and say, Hey, can I use a car? Right? So my assumption is this was really all. Orchestrated, thank you, universe. Thank you to all of our guides and our spirits that they just did this thing for me to fail. I got to fail and have the eye pain all weekend. And then

Anne: And then see it.

Mel: i got to wake up today feeling much better and see the thing that I didn't do. See how being a victim has benefited me. Right, wrong, or otherwise. I'll be the I would not have said I'm a victim before. I would have been too embarrassed. I would have judged myself now. Well, why judge it? Just see it and be the fuck done with it. I don't want to have this experience anymore. I'm sort of all done. Maybe.

Anne: Right. I think you're gonna get a lot. I think you're gonna get a few of these experiences to see.

Mel: I'm gonna have a lot and I'm gonna have a lot of opportunities. And as my friend, please make sure that whenever I have an eye pain again, we don't say poor Mel. Don't let me be a victim. Don't let me be a martyr. Don't let me. Don't let me play the card at all. I think the truest friends say the things. You don't you don't get to if this isn't it'd be one thing if no one knew, if we didn't know, if I didn't know. That was different. When you don't know, you don't know. But when you know you gotta do the thing and say the thing and spirit is gonna keep giving you opportunities to do it even when it's hard, even when you don't wanna, which was me. And for me, my past experience says I've been able to manage this in a lot of ways with people that I don't love as much as my kids.

Anne: Mm. Well, and I think that is the that's the true thing. Like, because I know I have a harder time telling our kids no than Tony does. I there's something it's different, I think, and it's also how we've been raised as women that we're supposed to do the helping of the kids and all the things. And you don't want to see them struggle. And that's true.

Mel: Nope. I don't want to make it harder. Especially when shit's already hard.

Anne: Right. And so yeah. And so there's a breaking of that also, that societal structure, right? But they also they need to figure out how to do it on their own. And sometimes it's fucking messy. And all the things like my oldest son has money problems, like sticking to a budget and all the things. And it got to a point where I can't help you financially, but I can offer my you know a room if that's what you need to do to save up some money. But that comes a point where it's like, and this is all I can do. And being realistic about this is all I can do, this is all I'm willing to do. I can't I'm not willing to do the other things. You've got to figure it out. But it is hard to say it. It

Mel: Right. It is hard. We had an opportunity this spring. Our daughter's house burned down, they own a house, hadn't been able to sell it, and they were renting a different house, and that rental house burnt out. And of course they needed a place to stay. And so they came to the house, they came here, and in all the ways, I allowed a lot of things to happen. I allowed my boundaries to be pushed. I said I said no often, but not enough. Right. And I get another opportunity with another kid to start doing the things. Now again, spirit will constantly continue to ram you, in my opinion, because for me seems to get a ramming. I don't seem to listen when it's not. I wish that weren't true, but it seems to be. But I'm gonna keep getting opportunity until I can do it without having it be a thing. I could have just said, hey, I thought I wasn't gonna have to drive. That's it. I think if even if I would have said that, I think that would have eased the first eye pain coming on. But I didn't. And because I didn't, now I'm gonna get to do it on Saturday. And at that point, when I didn't say it again, it was like, okay, Mel, like, what else do you need? And then I get the opportunity to choose, am I gonna keep going down this road? Where now when you're aware, you've got to make choices that say, I'm willing to do the hard thing. Even if and I will sometimes say out loud to Jimmy, when I have to say something hard that I know he's not gonna like, but if I don't say it, I'm gonna get a headache, I'll say, Hey, I'm gonna get an eye pain if I don't say this thing out loud. I just have to say it. You can do it. And again, they still have you know, their own autonomy. They get to say whatever they want. But for me, it's and it is partly about this mothering thing. Which is probably why I'm getting to do it now with my kids. Like this feels like to me, saying things to your kids seems to me like to be the hardest, right. And so for me, I feel like this is my last sort of what do you want to say? My last go round the merry-go-round. Like, are you going to say it to your kids?

Anne: yeah. Well, yeah. Well, and I think like for me, I don't want to look like the asshole, the bitch. So sometimes I let things slide, even though it bothers me. So that part I need to get over. Like because for one, you can say what you want and not be an asshole. They might take it as you being an asshole. But it doesn't need to be. Like for me, the way you say it sometimes can define whether you're an asshole or you're just saying your truth.

Mel: And sometimes at the beginning, when you first start to say stuff, you're trying so hard to just get it out that you do sound like an asshole. Like the first time you're trying to say something that has been you've been not saying for a long time, the first time you say it, I think for me, I automatically come out as an asshole because it's hard for me to say it the first place. And it just comes out kind of rough and gruff and

Anne: To your kids, but you don't have trouble saying it to others.

Mel: no, I don't have trouble saying it to others. That's why I think this is like no. This is like my last. I feel like this is my hardest lesson in this. And I didn't realize that it was, you know, I've sort of known about the saying the things, you won't get the eye pain, but I didn't realize that what it really was, or at least down deeper for some of it, is me enjoying being the victim. I enjoy people say I mean who doesn't enjoy it when people say nice things to you? Wow, look at what a great job you just did. And

Anne: Coddle, yeah.

Mel: wow, I'm really sorry. That must have been really hard for you. And man, you really you do a good job. I mean, not to be but it is sort of nice to hear those things from other people. It's also nice to not always have to do things and I don't get to feel bad because I had an eye pain. So I was in bed for five days. Well, that's really not pleasant. I'd rather do the things. Like, that was my trade-off. And before when I didn't know, you don't know. And even this time, I knew I knew, but

Anne: You knew and didn't want to say it.

Mel: i didn't want to say it because I didn't want to make things harder for him. I didn't want to act like the girls, the kids are trouble, right? A bother to me. I didn't want anyone to think that because that wasn't it. It's not that they're bother. It's not that they're any trouble per se. It's just I thought we had a thing worked out.

Anne: Mm-hmm. It doesn't mean you want all yeah. It doesn't mean you want twenty four seven.

Mel: And now we and now someone's changed the rules on me because you're having a hard time. Well, maybe I'm not having a hard time, but I still don't want to do it. I mean, in all the ways. Even if you had the money, doesn't mean you have to do the thing. But it's it's harder to say no when you could do something.

Anne: Yeah, 'cause you look at it and you're

Mel: That makes sense?

Anne: like, What's the big fucking deal? Just fucking go do it.

Mel: Yeah, that was my whole thing on Friday. What's the big deal? Mel, why are you being such a dick about it? Why's this gotta be a thing? I don't know but it is. Well it's a thing because he pushed a boundary and I didn't say no. And that is a thing. I don't... And even if I'm gonna say yes to the boundary pushing.

Anne: Well, that's like my kids coming here and getting shit out or whatever and just assuming I'm gonna take care of it. Doesn't mean I wanna take care of it. I didn't get it out. You chose to get it out, you chose to do whatever and you're choosing to then leave the mess for me. No thank you. Like I'm willing to change the sheets on the bed that you use because obviously but Yeah, it's just they

Mel: But not the other stuff.

Anne: assume a lot, I think. And sometimes I think, Well, we're going home to mom, you know what mean? Like so I get to be a kid again for a minute and not have some of the responsibility of at my own place.

Mel: It is nice when you go home to mom and she does all the things for you. I mean, that is lovely. I don't think that she should have to. Right? Like I'm a grown up now. It's unnecessary for you, even though I might need to be trained to not go home and have that expectation.

Anne: Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause I'm not looking to clean up a huge mess of stuff.

Mel: Mess. Yeah. Well, and I'm not looking to be a victim. So now I'm gonna be watching for the rest of my days, all the ways that am I and for me, when I start to blame, that's always a big red flag. That's always a big red flag. When Mel starts to blame, it's like, God, Mel, come on, come on. You know that blaming this ain't about that. So come on, what's in here for you? And then it was really hard. Well, it's not true. Back in the day it would have been hard for me to accept my victimhood. But I do notice other people who play the victim. And I do think that's a red flag. When you notice people are doing a thing and it kind of bothers you, that's usually right inside you. There's your mirror, right? Holding up a mirror. And it does bother me when people are playing the victim and are blaming. So I bet there's a lot of ways of places in my life that I am. That I'm playing the victim without even noticing it yet. I bet there's gonna a lot of stuff that'll come to light about my life that

Anne: Well, and it'll show up in different ways and different emotions. But at the end of the day, it becomes down to the real reason, right?

Mel: i Yep, it'll show up in different places. I'm being a victim again.

Anne: Like I found that I it's easy for me to access anger and I think that's a lot of people. But then underneath it, what I found, and this is from the astrology, was that like all these different planets and where they align and hit, but one of my things is I like to go deep and so how I figure it out is like it's a layer, so there's that layer, and then you start going down it and you finally figure out what the real thing is. And which that's kind of a toilet because then you're like, Well motherfucker, it isn't even that real the first thing that's set me off. It's really something else way down here. But

Mel: So what was it that you figured out?

Anne: well it was just like I had been covering up the I covering up my feelings like with Tony and the kidneys and there was there was I had an issue with him, but in reality the thing was like fear of not knowing how this gonna turn out, the sadness of it, the just the anger of I kind of feel like our life is on hold until this is figured out. Which I know that's also something else because my life doesn't need to feel like it's on hold because of this situation. So there's something deeper I need to look at.

Mel: Right. And so is so what do you know what is on hold? Like what do you think is on hold?

Anne: I just feel like I can't make plans. Because like, okay, so his sister might be a potential donor. So he had said, Well, when would that surgery possibly be if she is? Well it'd be mid November. So it just feels like there's a lot of like it feels like a lot of shit's up in the air and nothing has landed yet and so it just feels like there's a lot of shit up in the air.

Mel: Right. And so I wanna remind you, because I'm your friend, that Eddie

Anne: I don't know. That makes sense.

Mel: the blind cat came to you that says you don't have to make all the plans. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anne: No, I know. It's one step at a time. No, I know. I just I was given that message today too. So yeah. No, I yeah, I totally fucking know.

Mel: Yeah. Nice. I'm so glad. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so then when you know, then it's it still doesn't make it easy. It still doesn't make it doesn't I mean we've talked about this before. It doesn't make everything go away just

Anne: No, because like

Mel: because I know I'm playing the victim here and there's a benefit to me for being the victim. So somewhere in me I've got the energy of being the victim because I've enjoyed whatever I get after being the victim, whether it's get to play the martyr, whether it's get to whatever. There's an energy in me that is just there, right? No judgment on it. It's just there. Now I get to notice it, but it doesn't mean that it's gonna be easier or always easy for me to notice and then make a different choice. So for you. Just because you know.

Anne: it doesn't make it easier. Like, and I know. What I did find interesting though is that one of the girls at the bridal spa thing, she like travels by herself. And I thought, that's interesting. When she was saying it, and I'm like, I'm super impressed because I'm almost fifty and I don't really want to travel by myself. Like she went to New York City and went to a Broadway show. And then my oldest son's girlfriend, she's the same way. She's willing to go and do the things all by herself. And I'm like, hmm.

Mel: So because you admire that in her

Anne: No, I know. It was like me wanting to go to the beach, but like you can't go. Tony, whatever. And but I was like, I don't want

Mel: so now you aren't gonna go.

Anne: to go to the beach by myself. But then it kinda like when she's talking, I'm like, hmm, that's interesting. So I'm just I'm

Mel: Just a mirror for yourself.

Anne: just yeah, I'm just watching like I noticed it, like I did. I was aware of that. So it's that's different, right? Like I don't know, like some things will pop in, like where you'll meet somebody and it's like that, and you're just like, I had just been thinking about that, like I should maybe start becoming okay to go do things on my own.

Mel: Well, they I don't even know what book it was, but they talked about noticing the people around you. The people around you are around you for a reason, and there's something for you to see in that. Right. Doesn't mean it's everything about them is for you to see, but there's something everyone that you know, everyone that you're in, you know, some sort of, you know, communication or relationship, there's something there for you to see.

Anne: Yeah, or they fall away.

Mel: Yeah, or they fall away. And that sort of, you know, I look at all the people. It used to be when I would notice people didn't call me for a while, or all of a sudden I'm not, you know, I'm not invited to whatever. It used to be, I would be like, well, what happened? And now I'm like, thanks. Apparently I'm done with whatever that is. And so now it does I can see, you know, there's something in there in you for me, right? Same in me for you, but in every in all the people that you know, there's something there for you to look at. And I will say, I do notice as I'm saying that, all the people, not all the people, but there's a couple of people that I think to myself, look at you victim. I do talk about that, don't I? Or I do notice that, don't I? But I couldn't see it in myself yet. And you can only you can't see it until you're ready. And that's it is one of the nicer parts I think about having lost judging. I don't judge myself either. I even this weekend knowing, hey, you didn't do the thing, it's fine. I mean what a stinker that you had to waste a day or a night of really not sleeping and a lot of discomfort to see it. But also apparently that was the only way I was gonna see it that time. I really at least get to the crux of it. And here's the other thing that just hit me. Maybe had I said something on Friday, or had I said something on Saturday and the eye pain went away, maybe I wouldn't have noticed this victim thing that I've been holding on to that I didn't realize. Because I've known about you say the things and the pain goes away. But maybe now I'm ready to see the thing that's under the pain, right? And I maybe I hadn't been ready before. And so for that I am, I can't say thankful, because what a stinker, because it is a stinker. But also I don't want to go along playing the victim for my I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that for my life. I don't want to care if other people do. I don't want to notice it when other people do. And so in that regard, I guess I'm ready to move on. And you know you're ready to move on because all of a sudden you notice it. Then once you notice it, usually you're gonna get a couple more opportunities to notice it and then make a different choice.

Anne: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, and maybe in all reality, in reality, like if you wanted to, you could give them a heads up. Like I'm working on this, and I know that when I did this X on the this weekend, it because I didn't say anything, I got an excruciating headache. And I'm not doing that anymore. And so when I tell you something, it's because I'm I don't want to have a headache. And obviously you're supposed to deal with the thing and I'm not.

Mel: Right. Annie's got an experience that she's been having and she's not been saying the thing. And she's like, I'm gonna wait until the next time it happens. And I said, Well, maybe if you head it off first. So you just gave me the same advice back to myself because obviously back then I didn't notice it was for me. Also, maybe for you. I didn't notice I was giving myself advice.

Anne: I think we both could. Yeah. Cause they were the kids were here. It was two weekends in a row of people here and then I went there. And they like to cook and they don't like to clean up after themselves. And so then I'm left with the mess. And I noticed it, like I knew it. As I'm cleaning it and I'm like, but it didn't it didn't fire me up because I noticed like and you need to say something. Like I think that was a thing that popped in my head and I'm taking care of it now 'cause they're gone. But next time I'm saying something 'cause I'm done being the maid when people come. Yeah. Which does big

Mel: So I said maybe she should say it earlier. And really that was for me. Maybe for you too, but definitely for me. Maybe I should have the conversation now instead of waiting. So that in the heat of the moment when you're like, hey, quit being a dick, mom. I just need some help right now. Well, I know that, but I have to say this thing. So at least you know that it's coming. I mean, Jimmy knows it's coming, because I do tell him, hey, I got an eye pain coming. I gotta say something out loud to you, otherwise it's gonna kill me.

Anne: well, and it is hard when it's people like our kids. Sometimes they do need an explan like I think to make it easier on us, right? You gotta kind of it's not that you have to, but I think so that

Mel: No, of course not.

Anne: you can stand your ground or your boundary, it's easier to say, you know what, I'm working on my boundaries and I might at some point say to you a thing and it might not be what you want to hear. But I have to do it because I'm working on boundaries. And I haven't really had any with you.

Mel: Right. I have said that to our daughter. Yeah. I've said that to our daughter and she understands and we sort of she sort of jokes about it sometimes, like, And is there anything you need to say?

Anne: Well, and I'm sure she, 'cause she understands a lot of this stuff. And so it'd be easy right to talk to her about it, 'cause she understands. Like I can say stuff to Macy and she gets a lot of stuff. The boys are but I think I think just giving them a heads up, but it makes sense that Molly would have a better understanding. And it also, I mean, I'm sure she has her boundaries that she's working on as well.

Mel: Yeah. Yeah, it's easier for her to understand that well, at least for her to hear that it comes from energy first, which you know, sometimes you're in the middle of something and you can't get to the energy of it yet, like me over the weekend, right? I knew physically what I needed to do. I knew there was energy in there that I was stifling, which is where the pain comes in, but I didn't know what it was underneath. And so now that you know what it is underneath.

Anne: Right, 'cause all you saw was now I gotta do the driving.

Mel: Now I gotta do the driving and because I didn't say anything, I'm gonna have this headache. And I didn't recognize it as all of this victiming until today when I got the text that said, well, why did you why'd you get that? Like you know, what didn't you say? I don't I think that was the text. What didn't you say? If you get the eye pain, what didn't you say? You know you gotta say something. But it is easier with some people to understand that there's an energy behind everything. And it's easier to have a conversation with people about it. For some people, it isn't. They don't understand that there's an energy underneath everything. And everything comes from energy first. So if you're having an experience, what is the energy behind it? What is the energy underneath it? Why is that experience happening for you? We don't often look at good experiences, just ones that we find unpleasant. But you know.

Anne: Well that's like everything I've had to tell Tony, like 'cause he'll be like, nothing good has ever happened, huh? And it's like, No, but the good shit you're not stuffing. So you don't really have to work on that because it felt good. It's the other

Mel: Right, you're just happy about it. Yeah, we like it.

Anne: shit that hurt or, you know, whatever that you put down. And so yeah, it all looks really fucking negative and not great, but that's the shit that we have to work on. 'Cause obviously there's something there. The happy shit. God, I would like I would love for all the happy shit to come up. But then there'd probably be nothing really to work on.

Mel: Right. Or do you want to work on something that makes you happy? Probably not. I probably want to keep that one around. So I'm not even gonna look at that one two times. Yeah. I do I am curious now to know all the other ways what you know, it isn't even I used to think too about the energy, like I don't need to look back on all of the victim like where it began. I used to think I needed to do that. I don't need to do that. I don't think that's true for me anymore. Maybe it never was, but that was the only way to get there. Now I can just say, okay, I notice that I've got a victim energy floating around, right? It's in me. So because of that, I'm gonna get experiences where I get to feel like I've been victimized, you know, and I would like to see those. And I've allowed myself

Anne: Mm-hmm. Allowed myself to be victimized.

Mel: to be victimized, and I've actually called it in, right? I'm calling it in. You know, people take advantage of me. Yeah, people take advantage of me

Anne: So I can move through it.

Mel: so I can notice it and then I can play a victim. And then how much I've enjoyed being a martyr or told what a good, that's so nice, or what a great thing you just did, or right, I've enjoyed that.

Anne: Okay, but here's my question, 'cause I don't see you being a victim with anyone other than your family. Is that true?

Mel: Not that's the only thing I see right now.

Anne: That's what I see right now too.

Mel: Yep, that's the only thing I see right now. So

Anne: Because I really can't see you allowing yourself be a victim be victimized by others outside.

Mel: used to go above and beyond for others. Like I can look back at a time when I went above and beyond with a lot of different things, and I would become resentful, right? Like, resentful was a thing that I felt often. And I didn't, and now I can look at it like, well. You were allowing them to take full advantage of you. I mean, I just, you know, I mean, I open-handedly said, here, come take advantage of me, like in a million different ways. Because I did enjoy the praise. I did. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the praise. You go above and beyond. My god, look at how much you do. I enjoyed it. I mean, I'm not, you know, now I can see it and I can say, that's probably the reason why I'm at the kids stage because this is the hardest one for me, right? All that shit's been cut out. I'm not doing like I don't do that shit anymore. This is super silly, but I had some friends who wanted to go to a movie. And I at the time I wanted to go to a movie. At the time I thought actually I didn't really think about it. But I did think it would be fun. That'll be fun. And that was it. But now, then it was getting closer, and then it was supposed to be whatever week it was, maybe a week or two ago, a couple weeks ago. And I was like, I'm not doing that. I'm not going to a movie. I don't want to spend my time doing that. I don't want to spend my money doing that. I don't want to drive like it'll take a day. We're gonna go up to we're gonna go to another town. It was gonna be an hour drive each way, and then, you know, and then there's all these other things that you want to do when you're there. Like it was gonna be a thing, and I did not want to. And I was clear. I was like, hey, I don't want to do that thing. Like it doesn't make me feel bad to say no, thank you now. I know that doesn't sound like I was gonna be taken advantage of or being a victim to anything. I wasn't, other than that was someone else's desire that they wanted to do, that I felt like, I should do that for them. No. I no, I don't I didn't wanna. Right? Like whatever, but I didn't want to. And it all worked out where when the time came, I was like, and I'm not doing that. Like, I don't no. I don't want to spend my time that way. I don't want to spend my money that way. I just don't want to. But in the past I would have felt probably resentful. I can like I probably would have been

Anne: 'Cause you would have gone?

Mel: i would have gone. I would have felt guilty about going, I think. I would have felt you know, because there's I would have felt like, now those are these other things I need to do and I didn't do them then. I would have been, yeah, I think I would have felt all these things about myself. And maybe the word victim wouldn't have come up like it felt like it did today. But it but it

Anne: I think you would have been you would have felt guilty.

Mel: but I probably would have felt guilty. Now I can see, I'm gonna get an opportunity here to say, if I do this thing, I'm probably gonna feel guilty about it. And guilty is not what I do anymore. Don't do that. Like it only looks good in the moment. In the end, you do not want to have to do this other thing because you did that. Like I don't wanna. I can see now clearer beforehand what I wanna say yes and no to. So, but I used to have an opportunity to feel resentful a lot. And I don't have that opportunity as often anymore. But I do think the kid stuff is the hardest one for me. And it's probably the last one that I get to really work through because it's been the hardest one for me to do. And I can see how I'm better about it now than I was before.

Anne: Well, and you there's all that well, and there was the thing I think it came up before about you didn't want him to feel the pain of it or the emotion of it, so you tried to protect like you would do that with Jimmy. So there's some of that too that's

Mel: Yeah. I've done that. Yeah, I did that with the yep.

Anne: i'm sure coming up. That I think

Mel: And I'm

Anne: that one doesn't seem more like that doesn't seem quite like the victim. Seems like the protector trying to protect their emotions. Protecting others from their own shit.

Mel: but I was the victim because then I would do extra. And right, like all of the ways that I would go,

Anne: Yeah, you were the victim.

Mel: i was I was still the victim, even if it was just to protect them from

Anne: You were the victim and you were trying to protect them.

Mel: i was just trying to even if it was just from trying to protect them. So I would take on extra duties, I would take on extra, let me let me do this thing that's too hard for you to do. It's easy to get yourself into a trap of it. It is tricky to once you're in it to not put yourself in the right to not get rammed into the trap.

Anne: Well, because then you're in it. You're in it. Until you finally say I'm fucking out.

Mel: So I guess I'm gonna get again, I'm gonna get some really good opportunities. I see them coming. For those of you who don't right, like I don't know if we talked about it might we bought a house for our oldest son years ago and he's getting divorced and can't afford the mortgage or the rent. And we've tried to hold on for a while, and now it's time to sell the house. And he's probably gonna be moving in with us for a while with his three children. And but for me, I get an opportunity to do this different. And again, I'm not a victim. I mean, I can see, but I'm but I have to make really conscious decisions, and I've had to hold a lot of firm lines. Or a couple of firm lines so far on what is and what isn't gonna be able to come here and how that's gonna look when it happens. So I've been working on making this good firm boundaries because I don't want because I'm really not interested in being a victim anymore. Like I it doesn't even feel good, actually. It actually feels really terrible. But I can't say I felt that way not long ago. But I didn't even notice it not long ago. But now that I do I'm like, and I don't like that at all. That doesn't feel good to me.

Anne: Well, and once you see it you can't unsee it.

Mel: Once you see it, you can't unsee it. And now you gotta now you gotta start doing shit about it. So I am now here doing shit about it. Yep. Once you're conscious,

Anne: Yeah. Because now you're conscious of it.

Mel: you gotta do the stuff. And once you're conscious, spirit's really gonna give you a lot of opportunities to make sure that you're still awake. You awake? Are you awake? Right? Are you sure you're awake?

Anne: Yeah. Yeah. How much more are you willing to take?

Mel: That's right. You sure you're awake? You sure? So yeah. But I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that has, you know, lived the victim life and not noticed it for all the years.

Anne: Yeah. Well, I mean, I did it my

Mel: I mean, it's been a long time.

Anne: basically my entire marriage thinking I had to do all the things. Right. I didn't I guess I didn't look at myself as a victim, but I don't know. I guess I just thought it was my duty, so that was just self worth. Like I needed to do all the things to make your life easier. So that my life had some purpose, I guess.

Mel: Meaning, yeah. Yeah, it's hard sometimes to piece it out all the differences, right? Like sometimes it's hard to get down to the nitty gritty and what is the difference between and it's all sort of tied in, but not exactly victim or self worth or boundaries.

Anne: Yeah. I will say I was gone over the weekend and Tony did all the yard work. He cleaned all of the house. He actually cleaned fucking bathrooms, which is fuck like that's like ridiculous. Wasn't asked and did all the like took out all the trash. I mean it was pretty nice coming home yesterday. I will say.

Mel: Well, and I do enjoy it when you see the energy shift. It's so lovely. Right? Like when you get to have the experience of the shift without having to ask, you don't have to say, Hey, make sure that the house is cleaned up before I get home right. Like it's super

Anne: Yeah, I said nothing. I my only thing was make sure you feed the dogs and give Maggie her medicine.

Mel: and pretty soon you won't have to say that either, 'cause that'll just be what is expected and that'll just be what is done. I mean, I'm sure that when he leaves to go to town he doesn't tell you to remember to feed the dogs.

Anne: No, Well, 'cause the dogs always come to me, they're like, You're our feeder 'cause Tony has a good boundary, obviously.

Mel: Right. He's done a good job. But it is fun when you finally notice. So be curious when I notice a difference in my reality. Like when things shift and I'll notice that's not there anymore. And what will that make different? Like what will me noticing this, what will this make different? Will it just make it different because I don't feel bad saying stuff? Will it make it different that I don't I you know, I don't know. But it is fun to watch and see what will be different once this energy dissolves, you know, sort of in and around me.

Anne: Yeah. It'll be fascinating.

Mel: Yeah. All right. Well, this was Coffee, Tea, and Consciousness. I'm Mel.

Anne: I'm Anne. And

Mel: And we are signing off for now.

Anne: yep. Yep. Talk to you later.

Mel: See ya next time.