Read the Room

Anne: Well, hello. It's Coffee, Tea and Consciousness. I'm Anne.

Mel: Welcome, thanks for joining us. If you're enjoying the show, please hit a like or a follow — I don't know how it goes on these podcast things, but do one of the things, we appreciate it. Today we're gonna talk about how, when you notice you've had a shift in energy — when you finally notice it hit your reality — that's something I track pretty consistently.

Mel: I have a monthly journal where I look at what's going on in my physical world and what's going on in my energy world, and see how — this is when I look back. Annie doesn't do a lot of journaling because she's never really looked back, but this is where looking back is really helpful. Annie, you wanna give an experience you wanna share, or you want me to go?

Anne: Yeah — so we were actually talking earlier, and that's why this topic even came up. I was talking about it with Tony yesterday, and him saying certain things — what the fuck was it that he said? Now my mind is blank. Maybe you should go, 'cause I can't remember.

Mel: I'll edit that part out. I might have to edit my own part out — now I'm thinking. I love that we can edit this out, now that I feel a little freer about it.

Anne: You were like, "we gotta edit shit," and it's a lot. Okay, so —

Mel: Wait — after I say "now go," wait two seconds, then go. Makes it easier for editing. Now go.

Anne: So one thing was — being told I was a good mom, how I raised the kids, and I didn't realize — I remember my grandmother saying that, and at the time I took offense to it. Like, what are you talking about, what did you expect me to be?

Mel: We'll explain the situation better — your grandma Meryl.

Anne: Yeah, she was actually sick at the time, and she told me, "You've done a good job with the kids." At the time it was nice to hear, but I took it kind of offensively — like, well, what did you think I was gonna do, raise serial killers? I didn't quite understand it. Other people would say it too, and I'd pawn it off like, well, the kids are just good, it's an easy situation. But recently Tony said it, and I didn't react the same way — I wasn't offended. It actually felt really good to be told that, and how much I needed to hear it — especially from him, for whatever reason. And now, looking back — before, it kind of offended me, with that question of "what did you think I was gonna do, be a horrible parent?" But there's been a shift in me where it's no longer offensive — it's something I needed to hear, and I was able to accept it as the compliment it was. Sometimes you don't even notice it. That was a big emotional shift within myself.

Mel: This happened to me too — I was a single mom of two kids, and my sister used to watch my kids. She was going out of town, and one of the women from her church watched my kids for the week. Later my sister told me, "So-and-so said she was surprised how well-behaved your kids were." And I thought the same thing — what are you talking about, just because I'm a single mom doesn't mean I can't raise kids that are well-behaved? I was super offended, I didn't take it as a compliment. It was meant as one, but it's where I was energetically — I couldn't receive it, and it sounded like criticism instead. Now when someone says "great job with the kids," I'm like, "thanks so much." I wondered for a while — am I just looking for someone to boost my ego? But no — I don't think I'm all that in a bag of chips just because my kids are behaving a certain way.

Mel: We were talking earlier — I've got a daughter who can be a real asshole. She's great at it. Someone said that to me recently as an insult, and I took it as a compliment. Yes, I did raise my daughter to be so willing to share her own feelings, her own way of being, her own sense of right and wrong. Thanks — I did raise a girl willing to be a total asshole. I love that so much about me.

Anne: What's curious is why the person felt the need to say that. Was it someone in the family?

Mel: No — it was someone from when we owned the pizza shop. But for me it was — I raised a girl to be so independently emotionally strong that she's willing to say things other people might find uncomfortable.

Anne: It's actually embracing her true self, not squashing her feelings — whereas I learned to squash.

Mel: She's embracing her true self, that's right — I raised someone I didn't need to squash. Woo-hoo! And then there's my other son — he's super sensitive, thoughtful, considerate of other people's feelings, willing to accept everyone however they show up. He doesn't judge people on their appearance. My father-in-law said something kind of snotty about him once, and I told him: the idea that we raised someone who can be an asshole, and someone who's willing to accept people for however they show up and not try to make them into something they're not — I can still be friends with you, not based on outward appearances. I'm really proud of that too. For a long time I didn't think being proud was something I should be, but I should be. It's not that I think I'm exceptional — I'm just proud that I raised a girl who's willing to say her truth, even when it's offensive to me or to others in our family, and another kid who's thoughtful and kind.

Anne: And it's not from a place of "this is what society wants me to be" — it's just who he is, not catering to something.

Mel: Right — this is who he is. Back in the day I was offended too, but I went through the process of recognizing it, and now I can take a compliment. One of the things we could look at is where you are in that. I think this is tied to my own self-worth, and I think that's true for you too — your willingness to receive the compliment and feel the warmth of it.

Anne: One of the things was, in a conversation with Tony, he was gone a lot. I think of a friend whose husband struggles with freedom — Tony had a ton of freedom in his work, and he embraced a lot of the shadow side of that, which was pretty selfish. I was always there, and I used to think his value was more important because he was going to the job and bringing home the money. But he finally admitted: just because I was doing that doesn't make me a good parent. You were the one who did it, and you did a great job. And that was — I needed him to acknowledge that and tell me, and it felt so good to finally get it.

Mel: And here's where I'd say — you've been working on all of this, wanting to be heard, doing the processes to get through the muck you've been stuck in. And then you can see the energy shift, because all of a sudden you start to get what you need without having to ask for it. You didn't have to ask him to tell you that.

Anne: Yeah, that was the good thing — I did not ask, I didn't ask any of that.

Mel: But the energy shift is — hey, I'm gonna tell you how fantastic I think what you've done is. You've been wanting to be seen for what you contributed to your family, and you've been asking for it — but then finally you come to a place where you didn't even have to be asked. That's an energy shift. Mark that down, I'd put that in my journal.

Anne: Because it was incredible. The day before, I was thinking I'd really like an apology, and then it happened.

Mel: Right, total energy shift. And when you see that, it fuels my desire to keep poking the bear — our friend Sarah says that, "poking the bear" — wanting to be triggered just so it can show me where I still need some healing. And once you get it, you can see the reality of it physically change. He came at you and said this — not prompted, which is the best way.

Anne: Exactly — I was thinking, I'm so glad I didn't say "I need an apology from you." I never told him that, in any conversation. I didn't really realize how much I needed it.

Mel: And I think back to earlier in our spiritual journey, how I'd say I don't need that — I went through two, three, four years of saying I don't need you to tell me I'm a good wife or a good mom, I just know. At the time I thought it was spiritually immature to have that desire, that it felt very ego. But we're human — we decided to come in as human, I'm not something else. So as a human, my humanness still likes to be told I'm beautiful. It still likes to be told, "you're still my best friend and I love you so much." My humanness wants that, and I don't think that's gonna make my ego blow up into something that's not true, or take over my life.

Anne: That's true — it's almost more of a healing thing, to see it, right?

Mel: It is healing. I think it's tied to worthiness. There's an area I've never been told that I've secretly desired to be told — and I'm gonna cry, just talking about it. I found a little wound in myself I didn't realize was as strong as it is. Jimmy was an alcoholic — we all know about energy, and I attracted that, and we were working on things together. This isn't a blame thing, but — I've never been told, "hey, sorry that I made that part of our life a little tricky." I've always secretly — maybe I didn't get it because it's been a secret in my own self. I didn't think I was worthy of hearing it, or that it was allowed, or maybe I thought I'm bigger than that. Maybe all of that's still kind of true, because I'm still human.

Anne: And sometimes we don't realize what we need until it comes up.

Mel: Right now — yeah, because it's bubbling up. For all the things I've dealt with in life — I get it, it's fine. But walking on eggshells, because I was raised by a bipolar mother who physically abused me, even into my adulthood if she got the chance — at Chili's — that's not funny. But it's true — I spent my childhood walking on eggshells, trying to soothe everyone, and then resisting soothing because I wanted autonomy. And then you go too far the other direction, flip the switch, and you're all the way over there being a f— turd, causing problems, not caring about anything. Which was a protection mechanism, of course. I call my first husband my "starter husband." I walked on eggshells with him too — marrying an alcoholic didn't surprise me energetically, I did it again, and spent years walking on eggshells. When he finally got sober, it wasn't a huge deal, but there's still a little piece of me — that little crying thing came up — that maybe still needs work in my own self-worth. I do deserve some kind of acknowledgment, not even an apology. Which is all you were thinking of too, right? I don't need him to be sorry — I accept that was part of our journey, and look at where we are now. It was really tricky navigating an alcoholic — you don't know who the f— is coming home. That was my whole childhood too — walking in the door not knowing what mom you're getting, if you're living with someone bipolar. Some days I'd come home having done something extraordinarily naughty and she'd be like, "eh, it's fine." And other days I'd come home two minutes late and she'd have me by the neck against the front door. Either way — even in that, there was a twofer: I was energetically creating that experience for both of us, so I could work through it later. But now, when you recognize the shifts in your life from energetic changes —

Mel: It's fun to watch — not just fun when you get something physical, though that is fun. There was a stretch where I was a winner all the time, everything I played, I was winning — I don't even know how I caught that energy, I'd like to catch it again, like a cold. I'd go to this sports store downtown, Gazelles, and they'd be like, "oh no, Mel's here, she's gonna win." I was a winner for all the things for a while. It was so fun.

Anne: And they were shooting daggers at you — "give her the wrong date next time."

Mel: Sorry, friends, I just won those shoes, what a stinker. But when you see it in your reality, it's fun — when you feel the changes, it's fun. And on the other side — I think I alluded to this in a different episode — I've noticed a shift in my energy that I think is gonna cause a little ruckus in my family.

Mel: I've noticed my energy shifting because I'm an empath — I didn't know that, you can attribute it to being raised by a bipolar mom. I didn't realize all the ways I'd say, "hey kids, read the room, now's not the time to ask dad for something when he's about to go mow the grass." Or Jimmy would start really reprimanding a kid and I'd jump in — "whoa, don't you know they already feel bad? Why would you make it worse?" And he'd say, "what are you talking about, why do you always say that?" Because — don't you know they already felt bad? "How would I know that?" So we did an exercise in the house — who can do it, who can't. And then recently, every time I go to the grocery store, I come home sick, having to leave because I feel so bad.

Mel: So I started saying, "Hey, thicken up my insulation, I don't want to pick up everybody's energy, make it really thick." And if something was going on in the house making me feel off, I'd say, "thicken it up here too, I don't need to feel all their stuff, that's unnecessary." And all of a sudden I stopped feeling — I felt this void inside, like, wait, this is weird, how come I'm not sensing how everyone's feeling? After a day or two, I thought, this is kind of great. What I found, looking back at how I used to handle things — if I said something that needed to be said and you had a hard feeling about it, sad or angry, I would change my next statement based on how you felt. I would censor myself, and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I thought of myself as someone who says a lot of things — which is true — but if you came home with a bad day and I had something hard to tell you, I would have waited. Didn't matter if you said you had a hard day, I'd just know — "today's not the day" — and I'd put a lot of things on a shelf. I thought that was helpful. Now I'm realizing it wasn't. Waiting to see how you feel shouldn't dictate what I say, when I say it, or how I say it.

Anne: Because sometimes if you bring it up later, it's so out of place it doesn't even land.

Mel: Right — so out of place, what's the point, it's all done. So now I can say things that are probably harder to hear, because I can only watch your actual physical reaction. Jimmy has a hard time doing tasky things on his own. We had to redo something with the mortgage, and he had to go to the bank. I had my insulation super thick, and I'm watching him wander around the house, not wanting to go. In the past I would've stepped up — "fine, you feel so bad, I'll just go with you." Now I didn't. I said, "you have to go." "Aren't you almost done?" "Yeah, but I still don't want to go." "You can go do this, it's fine." It didn't feel fine to him, I think, but I couldn't tell — so I let him go on his own.

Mel: So now my energy's shifted, and I think it's gonna cause a ruckus until everyone catches up — because I won't be stepping in before they even ask. People don't even have to ask me for help, I already know they need it, and I'm rushing in so they don't feel bad. Well, now I'm not. I told my daughter the other day: I'm not just offering help anymore, if anyone in this family needs help, you gotta ask me. I've increased my insulation, so I can't pick up on your energy anymore. It's already stumped my husband's ability to ask me for help — he doesn't ask, he never has had to. I just step in and do it because he feels bad doing it.

Anne: Tony never asked for help either. His family would come to town and it was just expected that I'd deal with it, since I'm home and he's at work. But I finally realized: I want to be asked. I'm tired of not being asked, tired of you assuming I just want to do the thing — maybe I do, but I want to be asked. Like yesterday — Macy's doing esthetician school and has all these products, and she says she's gonna switch to using them. I said, "how are you gonna buy new products, you don't have a job, you have no money." "I'll pay for it." "With what?" She didn't answer, just — nothing after that. But I was thinking: you just wrecked a car, we're getting some money back but not the full amount, we're gonna need a new car, you had a ticket we paid, we're hoping you'll pay us back. It's just assumed we'll replace everything she needs for school because she wants to use the products. Ask me.

Mel: For me, I don't do a lot of stuff at the house, so no one's expecting me to. It's exciting when I wash the sheets, do the dishes, occasionally make a meal — I'm home all day, they don't know what I do, they probably think I sleep all day. I'm painting mostly. I go off the feeling that someone — like Jimmy — is in the garage not asking for help. I can't see or hear him, but I feel this ridiculous tug: come help me, why are you in there, come help me. I used to think it was my guilt. Then I realized — no, I'm not being pulled by guilt, I'm being pulled by his energy. And now that I've made my insulation so thick, he can't reach me that way anymore — he has to ask me with his words. Because if I can't feel your need — which is apparently what I've been doing for years, with my kids too, feeling their want, their sadness, first — I've adjusted all the way around that. So now I'm watching my own energy change and wondering what it's gonna do, whether it'll create discourse in the house, since that's new.

Anne: It will, because it's always been assumed. Last year, Tony wasn't working, and I said, I'm done fucking picking up after everybody, I'm done being the only one who pushes a vacuum cleaner, done being the only one who cleans the bathrooms. I don't take a shower every goddamn day, you do — you can put the scrub bubbles on the thing and clean it yourself. That's shifted a little now that he's working again, but I did clean the showers last week and told him, "you're up next."

Mel: I stopped doing that a long time ago — no one even notices anymore when I do something. It used to be, if Jimmy said "hey, I see you vacuumed" or "smells nice in here," I'd take it as, "well, obviously you're saying I didn't do all the other things." As that's gone away — because my energy shifted — now I'm like, "great, thank you," and I can actually feel the compliment. He genuinely appreciates a clean bathroom. It's a treat to shower somewhere that's just been cleaned.

Anne: I think it's funny, because this family just assumed I'd do everything. We started making homemade dog food — it's a pain in the ass, we had three big dogs, now two, and they go through a lot of food. Not hard to make, but a pain, and I was the only one doing it. I finally said I was tired of doing the goddamn dog food. And I remember Tony talking to my son about it like it was such a big deal — and I'm like, who starts bitching about making the dog food? You, Tony — you made it sound so ridiculous when I complained and wanted you to help make some of it. Who's complaining now? It's the same with the vacuum — not a big deal, but it takes a while, and some days you don't want to do it. I have to remind him it needs to be done, and I'm sure there are times he thinks, "you're home, just do it."

Mel: Ever since the shop closed, when I stopped doing everything at the beginning, he'd get up and do dishes before work, make our dog Ernie's food before work. He still does that. But I made the last batch of dog food myself — no one said anything. His energy must have shifted. And that's true too — so now you can look and see: did someone else's energy shift when you changed your behavior, and no one asked? Because I've actually — now that I think about it — cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the sitting room yesterday, made the dog food this week, made garlic bread for the soccer team dinner. No one's asked me to do any of it. So Jimmy's energy has shifted. Because I'm looking at myself like — you've been doing a lot of things I completely stopped doing. I did nothing for a long time, got pretty comfortable at it. Some days I don't even water the ferns out front. I just water them the next day. But I found myself doing more of these things — not asked, not feeling like I need to. I've really dropped most of that need to do things, since he's been doing it for so long he's probably just surprised. In some way, his energy has shifted, because I've begun doing these things without being asked, and he doesn't say anything about it. Fascinating. So now you can look at what behaviors you've changed that you didn't change intentionally, and notice — that must be someone else's energy around you that's shifted. Because it's always people's energy — if you're together, your energy is playing off each other. So now I wonder, with my own shift — increasing my insulation, saying more out loud that I would've held back before — his energy must be shifting too, he must be readier to push back on me, since Jimmy's had a hard time telling me no.

Anne: It's funny looking at your spouse — I was comparing us using that Soul Destiny chart thing. We're obviously different in what we came here to do, our karmic lessons, but they play off each other so well. It's interesting to look at — the whole thing, the energy swirling around.

Mel: If you can look at who you're partnered with and see it instead of an argument, instead of a blame game, instead of "you hurt me" — even though feelings can be hurt — if you can see it as just playing off each other's energy, then you can ask: how do we recognize our energy patterns wherever we are right now, and make a choice to do something differently? That takes someone willing to talk about energy and not just reality, which is a struggle with Jimmy, who's an engineer.

Anne: Tony too — very logical, he runs testing at his job, basically looking for any failure. I'm like, God, maybe look at it differently, look for the positives instead of all the bad in the product. It's kind of the opposite of looking at the whole energy of something, and it's sometimes so frustrating.

Mel: Jimmy's having an experience at work he's finding unpleasant. We took Ernie for a walk yesterday and I wanted to tell him something, then thought — I'm not gonna bother, he'll get there when he's ready. I said to Spirit, open the door if he's ready to hear this, otherwise I'm not gonna waste my energy. There's a pattern at work he isn't seeing yet — but he named it himself, at the end: "I'm just feeling really underappreciated."

Anne: They say that's the start — naming it is the start of shifting it.

Mel: Right — so I didn't need to say anything, that was Spirit saying, he's got it, he's on his way there. You can assist someone in coming to their own understanding — they're never gonna get it the same way if you just tell them.

Anne: Tony's had micromanaging bosses, personality clashes that aren't his bag of wax. This guy tells him all these things but doesn't seem to have much knowledge, and I asked, "do you ever call him out on it?" He said sometimes he'll point things out. I said, maybe you're supposed to do the opposite of what you've been doing — say something instead of walking away pissed.

Mel: Sometimes that's the easiest thing to try — like the George Costanza episode of Seinfeld, where he does the opposite of everything he'd normally do, and life starts working out for him. If you've been quiet, say something. If you've been walking away pissed, try the opposite for a minute and see what happens. It is frightening to do the opposite, even when it's not tied to your livelihood — trickier if you think your job or your marriage is on the line. But just to see for yourself, try the opposite.

Anne: I was thinking I could tell Tony — I'm gonna do the opposite of what I usually do, just say it how it is, and you can get pissed or you can actually hear it. Might be a good trial.

Mel: If you preface it like that, it's almost funny — "now what are you gonna do?" We should do a whole week of being opposite ourselves — opposite Annie, opposite Mel.

Anne: One thing came up yesterday driving — I remember coming home with the kids, multiple times, and I'd be looking out the window crying, because I was stuffing my feelings. And it's funny, because he didn't even realize it — he's not very observant.

Mel: I found this hard to believe myself, when I discovered I can feel the energy of people in a room — in a small group, you can feel who's feeling what, though in a crowd it just feels like a muddle and I get sick. Jimmy would say, "I don't know what you're talking about, no one can do that." I stopped saying it out loud to him, because he just calls me a liar and pretends he's not feeling that way — and I can literally feel the energy in him shift when he does. Last night, going to Walter's soccer game — I'm always afraid of being cold, so I've got a t-shirt, a zip-up, a rain jacket, and a winter jacket on, plus an umbrella and a stadium chair — so my hands are full. Jimmy had the umbrella, but he sat down, set up his own seat, and was looking at someone else, not at me. I'm overheating, trying to find somewhere to put my stuff that's not in everyone's way, trying to get the stadium chair set up. Finally I said, "I'm gonna need some help." He had no idea I needed it. He's not observant — but honestly, he's never had to be. He never had to read the room for me, either — he doesn't notice when I have an emotion. I could be crying and he genuinely wouldn't know.

Anne: But Tony can totally read a room.

Mel: That's different — so is it just obtuse, or intentional? I don't know that it's intentional, but if you can read a room and choose not to, I don't know what to say about that.

Anne: I don't either.

Mel: It's something, for him, or for both of you.

Anne: He's finally admitting it. Macy told him about the ticket thing, and he didn't remember. She said, "I told you, I came home and told you about the situation," and he said, "I don't remember," and I told him, "you don't remember a lot of stuff, because you tune everyone out in your own head." But he's admitted that too — he said he never thought about how his disease would affect me, which I find fascinating. I'd be thinking of all the things, but he was totally surprised by the number of people who offered to be a possible donor.

Mel: That he was cared about that much.

Anne: Depending on how people show up — that's something he's working on.

Mel: It's fun when you start to see it and you're awake enough to watch it happen — first in your own energy, and some things get lost, and then something will hit you: "that's totally different than it used to be." It's fun to watch the energy change in you. You have to be aware, conscious of how you are and what you bring to the table — and then, how does it shift when you feel your own internal shift? How's that gonna look externally, emotionally, and then how's it gonna look physically? It's so fun for me to watch things change. Even if what I'm going through isn't gonna be "bad," I think it's gonna be a big shift. I wonder if I should just tell everyone — though they don't believe it's real anyway. Maybe they'll believe it now, when I'm suddenly not telling them anything.

Anne: That's what I tell Tony — I know you don't believe this, but here's an update anyway, and I do think, since I've been going through this stuff, it's been coming out as anger, which then reduces down to grief. That might be helpful for him to know.

Mel: FYI — this thing you think I can't do, that I've decided I'm not gonna do anymore — you might notice you have to ask me with your words now. Think of all the times you didn't have to.

Anne: Well, and I read Tony his — the Lilith placement and all that, how the two of us are gonna be bumping heads. Just so everyone's aware. He seemed a little more engaged, but we'll see.

Mel: Maybe write it down, leave a note for him — "here's what's happening, for when you're not sure" — on his bathroom mirror.

Anne: I'll put it on his mirror — "these are the dates this could possibly happen."

Mel: These are the shifts happening, be watchful and mindful. Maybe I'll have a family meeting tonight — "alright friends, here's what's going down." I wonder if that would actually make them believe me, because they'll recognize I never actually had to ask. Maybe then they'll believe me — because now it's affecting them in a way that might not be pleasant, where before it felt pleasant to them.

Anne: Well, of course — if you never have to ask and it's just done for you, hell yes.

Mel: Right, and I always thought that was a gift. Now I don't see it that way.

Anne: Well, it was — it was a gift to them. You've been gifting them presents for years without even knowing it.

Mel: But they also haven't had to learn how to ask to have their needs met. So it really — it only looked like a gift. It really wasn't a gift.

Anne: Right — it was just done. But obviously there was something there for them to work through too.

Mel: Of course. It's never just for one person, it's always for the multiple. So if you're interested, share with us how you sense energy changes, and how your environment or external life has shifted to reflect that — because this is law of attraction at work, this is like attracts like, all of that. This is how it works, I'd say, in a more consciously aware way — without needing to direct it toward what you think will bring you joy or happiness. Because we're not usually intentionally trying to attract chaos.

Anne: No — we're always going for the best and easiest, but sometimes if you've been putting it off, it'll hit you upside the head: "you ready to pull it together, friend?"

Mel: If you trust the process — I try not to let it go past two times. If it happens a third time, I notice something, and I'm like, God, give me grace, I'm ready, let's do it right now — and they're like, no, no, we're gonna wait till you're asleep again.

Anne: They wanna see if you can catch it before it goes that way.

Mel: I'm awake, I get it, I get it. I'm gonna make notes all over my bedroom wall — "hey, next time Spirit decides to clunk you upside the head, this is the fourth time, Mel." We don't always hear the wake-up call. Anyway — that was fun, thanks Annie, this was a good time for me.

Anne: Yeah, it was a good topic.

Mel: We'll see you next time on Coffee, Tea and Consciousness. This is Mel, saying goodbye.

Anne: I'm Anne, see ya later.